Run Game Approaching

Talking to someone when other guys are around

6 min read

She's at a table with two other guys. Are they friends, coworkers, her brother, her boyfriend, a date? You can't know from across the room, and neither can anyone else. This post is about what to do in that gap: how to read what you can, how to be polite to everyone, and how to take "I'm with someone" without making it a contest.

Approaching groups covers a group of her friends. This one covers mixed groups, and pairs you can't read.

What you can and can't tell from across the room

Some cues are strong. Two people kissing, holding hands, or sharing one seat with an arm around each other are almost certainly together. A ring is a sign worth noticing, though people wear rings for many reasons and many partners wear none. Those cases are easy: leave them alone.

Most situations aren't like that. Sitting close, laughing together, one person paying for a round, leaving to take a call together: all of these happen between friends, relatives and couples.

Research on reading attraction from the outside suggests caution. In a 2009 study by Skyler Place and colleagues, 54 college students watched 24 short clips of speed-dating conversations and judged who was interested. They did reasonably well at judging the men's interest and poorly at judging the women's, and in five clips about 80 percent of observers thought the woman was interested when she wasn't. A 2022 set of three experiments (Samara and colleagues; 119, 64 and 163 observers, with children among them in the first two) found observers weren't reliably accurate at spotting attraction from short silent clips, except when both people were interested. A summary from the National Communication Association of a 2018 meta-analysis reports that no single behavior reliably separates romantic interest from friendliness. Talking more, longer talks, laughter, eye contact and smiling were the behaviors most consistently linked to attraction in general, though the correlations were modest.

Be careful about stretching these. They're about interest between two people on a speed date, not about whether two strangers at a bar are a couple. They do fit a plain conclusion: a glance gives you a guess, not an answer.

Two honest options

People disagree about what to do in unclear cases, and both views have reasons.

Which one fits depends on the place and the signals. At a party, mixed groups are normal. A candlelit table for two isn't a place for a drive-by hello. How to approach someone at a party covers the party case.

Opening to a mixed group

Address everyone, in a friendly, low-pressure way. You aren't there to talk to one person while the others wait.

Then ask something that also tells you how people are connected:

You'll often get the answer without asking: "this is my brother," "we work together," "my boyfriend, Dan." Treat each one the same way. Say hello, remember the names, and keep your attention spread out. If the answer is "my boyfriend," the conversation is over in a friendly way: "Nice to meet you both, enjoy your night." What to do when she says "I have a boyfriend" has more lines for that moment.

Being polite to everyone

Not every guy is going to warm to you, and that's fine. If someone in the group says it's not a good time, or looks uncomfortable, take it at face value and go.

Accepting "I'm with someone"

When she says it, a partner or a date, the right response is the same. Say "Got it, enjoy your night," and walk away. Don't ask if she's sure, don't ask about the guy, and don't hover nearby. A no, or a turned shoulder, means you stop. It isn't a rejection of you personally, and it isn't a verdict on how you spoke. It's information about her evening. She has a boyfriend but flirts with you covers the opposite situation, when you've already been talking for a while.

If you've read the situation wrong and it turns out she's single and the guys are friends, a good outcome is still possible, as long as you stayed friendly to everyone along the way.

Spotting a good moment

Whatever the group looks like, a few things make a hello easier on everyone:

If none of these is true, skip it or wait. Friendly or flirting? helps with reading what you see once you're talking.

What to do next

  1. Practice the group hello this week with a low-stakes group: a table at a board game night, a class break, a party kitchen. Three tries.
  2. Choose one group opener from the list above and use it unchanged for five tries, so you can see how it lands.
  3. Add one connection question ("How do you all know each other?") after your opener each time.
  4. Learn your exit line: "Nice to meet you all, enjoy your night." Say it out loud once before you go out.
  5. When the answer is "I'm with someone," use the exit line right away, with no follow-up.
  6. Afterward, write a note about who was in the group and what you noticed. Run Game lets you log each approach as Success or Rejected with a note, and sessions can hold notes for the whole night.
  7. If you're truly unsure, skipping is always allowed. There will be other moments, and how to end a conversation well will make the next one smoother.

Group conversation skills is a natural next read.

Sources