Run Game Approaching

Approaching someone who seems out of your league

5 min read

You see someone and your chest tightens. Your first thought isn't "what would I say?" It's "no chance." Notice what happened there: you decided how a conversation would go before it started, using a number you made up.

That reaction is common, and it's not a character flaw. But it's worth separating what you're actually reacting to from the story you've built around it.

What pedestal thinking is

Pedestal thinking is treating a stranger as a prize or a judge rather than a person. Once someone is on the pedestal, every small thing you'd normally do easily, like saying hello, starts to feel like a performance being graded.

A few signs you've done it:

None of those is based on anything she has said or done. She hasn't said a word to you.

Why "league" is a shaky model

The "out of your league" idea says people come in a ranked order and everyone belongs near their own rung. There's some research behind part of it and some against it, so here's what's actually documented.

Paul Eastwick and Lucy Hunt published studies in 2014 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology on what they called relational mate value. As summarized in Psychology Today, they had people rate others on categories such as vitality and attractiveness, popularity, and relational qualities such as being a satisfying, respectful partner. Agreement between raters was much stronger on vitality and attractiveness, especially at first meeting, than on the relational qualities. Over time, the unique ways individual people rated each other mattered more. The summary doesn't give sample sizes, and the studies used classmates and friends, not strangers approached on a street, so they can't tell you how any specific approach will go.

Read it plainly. At first sight, people do tend to agree on looks. But the things that decide whether two people click, like humor, warmth and how you treat each other, are judged more individually, and you can't see them from across a room. A ranking built on a glance leaves most of that out.

There's also a practical problem. "League" assumes your odds are knowable before you speak. They aren't. A conversation is one way to learn about qualities like humor and warmth, which a glance can't show.

None of this means everyone says yes. Plenty of people won't be interested, and that's true of every approach you'll ever make. The point is that appearance alone doesn't tell you the answer.

Your nerves are probably louder than her view of you

When people feel watched, they tend to overestimate how much others notice their actions and appearance. Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Medvec and Kenneth Savitsky named this the spotlight effect, in a 2000 paper in the same journal titled "The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one's own actions and appearance." The paper is about people's estimates of their own visibility, not about attractive strangers, so treat it as a reason to question the "everyone is judging me" feeling, not a prediction of how she'll react.

A better frame for the moment

Swap the question. "Can I get her?" has one answer you can't control. "Can I say a friendly sentence to a stranger?" has an answer you can.

Use the opener you'd use on anyone. Pick one that fits where you are, say it at the same volume, and make it about the situation: "Hey, that's a great book. Is it any good?" or "Sorry to interrupt, do you know if this place does food?" The line doesn't need to be special. If you wouldn't say it to a stranger who didn't make you nervous, it's probably too much. Openers that work has plenty.

Notice something specific that isn't her face. Her coffee, her dog, the poster she's reading, what she's carrying. Looking at what she's doing gives you something to say that isn't a verdict on her.

Keep the goal small. A 30-second hello. If it goes somewhere, great. If it doesn't, you've done the thing.

Consider skipping a looks compliment as the opener. Some people like one, some find it generic, and it puts the focus on a ranking again. A comment on something she's chosen, like a book or a jacket, is easier for anyone to answer.

Give her an easy exit. "I'll let you get back to it" costs nothing and takes pressure off both of you. If she gives a short answer or turns away, say "no worries, have a good one" and go. Signs she's not interested lists what to look for.

If the shake is physical

A fast heart rate and a dry mouth are normal when you're about to speak to someone you've built up. A minute of slow breathing and a quick mental rehearsal, laid out in calming your body with breathing and visualization, is a way to steady the body before you move. Approach anxiety covers the full picture, and nervous around a girl you like is for when it's a specific person you keep seeing. A common approach is to do an easier approach first, then the one you've been avoiding, so your body has already settled.

Where self-worth fits

If your sense of yourself rises and falls with whether strangers say yes, every approach feels expensive, and the more attractive the person, the more it costs. Stop needing approval is about loosening that. It isn't a quick fix.

What to do next

  1. Next time you freeze, write down the story in one sentence ("she's too good-looking to talk to me") and then write the facts ("I haven't spoken to her").
  2. Pick one neutral opener you'd use on anyone and say it out loud five times this week (sounding like yourself under nerves is its own skill, covered in being yourself when nerves take over).
  3. Warm up with two easy hellos to someone you don't find intimidating before you approach the person you've been avoiding.
  4. Set a 30-second goal and a leave line: "Nice to meet you, have a good one."
  5. Afterward, log it whatever happened. A success and a rejection both count as approaches.
  6. After five tries, review: what happened to the dread once you spoke?

If you're keeping track in Run Game, the notes field is a good place for the one-sentence story and the facts. It's one option; a notes app works too.

Sources