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When you don't feel like going out: how to decide

6 min read

When you don't feel like going out, the useful question is whether you're tired or avoiding. If you're short on sleep, ill or running on empty, staying in is a fair call. If you're mostly dreading the awkward part, try a 10-minute rule: get dressed, step outside and give it ten minutes, and you're allowed to turn around after that. Either answer is okay, as long as you chose it on purpose.

There's no "always go" or "always stay home" rule that fits everyone. Here's a way to tell the two situations apart, with a decision rule for each.

Tired or avoiding?

They can feel the same from the couch. A few questions help separate them.

Question Points toward tired Points toward avoiding
How did you sleep this week? Poorly, or under 7 hours most nights Normal
What's the thought? "I have nothing left" "I'll feel awkward," "What if nobody talks to me?"
If a friend invited you somewhere easy, would you go? Probably not, you want to rest Probably yes, it's the dating part you're dodging
Would you feel better after a short walk? Maybe not Maybe yes
Is it new, or a pattern? A single bad day or a hard week Skipping every time the plan involves approaching

It isn't a test with a score. It's a prompt to be honest. And it can be both: tired and dreading it.

The case for staying in

Resting counts as a decision, not a failure. Adults aged 18 to 60 need seven or more hours of sleep a night, according to the CDC, and the CDC lists enough sleep as helping to reduce stress and improve mood, attention and memory. If you've been short on sleep, an evening of conversation with strangers is going to be harder, and you may get less out of it.

A few good reasons to stay in:

If low mood or lack of motivation lasts for weeks, or you find nothing is enjoyable, that's worth mentioning to a GP or doctor, because it may not be about dating at all.

The case for going anyway

Avoiding can have a cost too. If skipping is always how you get relief from dread, the dread tends to stick around, and the next outing feels bigger. That's a common view of how avoidance works rather than something measured here. Small steps are what the NHS lists among its self-help suggestions for social anxiety.

There's also research suggesting we may misjudge how a bit of social contact will feel. Epley and Schroeder (2014, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General) ran field experiments with commuters on trains and buses. People told to talk to a nearby stranger reported a more positive commute than those who stayed disconnected, and no less productive, yet separate participants predicted beforehand that solitude would feel better. A caveat: the abstract doesn't give sample sizes, the participants were told to talk, and it was about everyday conversation, not dating. It doesn't mean going out always feels better. It's one sign that the "I won't enjoy it" forecast can be off.

A decision rule: the 10-minute rule

If you think you're avoiding more than you're exhausted, use this.

  1. Get ready as if you're going. Shower, change, shoes on. Doing the preparation often takes the edge off the decision.
  2. Leave and give it ten minutes. Walk to the first place on your plan.
  3. Check in at ten minutes. Are you more tired, or just nervous? If you're wiped, go home with a clear conscience. If you're warmer than you were, stay a bit longer.
  4. Set one small goal for the night (see below), not the full plan.

The rule works because ten minutes is a promise you can keep. The couch argument is "this whole night will be awful." Ten minutes is not a whole night.

Make the plan smaller, not off

If the full plan feels heavy, shrink it rather than cancel it. A few smaller versions:

Each of these counts as showing up, and each is easier to repeat next week.

How not to skip out of habit

Skipping because you decided to rest is different from skipping because it's easier. A few ways to notice the second:

What to do next

  1. Tonight, answer one question honestly: tired, avoiding or both? Use the table above.
  2. If you're tired, rest and reschedule. Pick a specific night this week and put it in your calendar.
  3. If you're avoiding, run the 10-minute rule. Set a timer on your phone when you step outside.
  4. Write a "small version" of your plan for low-energy nights: one place, one hello, 45 minutes.
  5. Review at the end of the month. Count nights out, nights skipped, and the reason for each. If most skips are "avoiding," pick one smaller step to practice.

In Run Game, the notes on a session are a handy place to write why you stayed in or cut a night short, and the Stats screen shows your totals and streaks when you review the month.

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