Run Game Practice

Sexual shame and building sexual confidence

5 min read

Sexual confidence mostly isn't about skill or technique. A lot of it is the absence of a harsh inner critic, and that critic often has a long history. Shame is the more precise word for what many people feel: not "I did something wrong" but "something is wrong with me."

This post is general information, not medical or mental health advice.

What sexual shame is

A 2026 narrative review by Coates and Meston defines sexual shame as shame that results from negative self-evaluation and can be set off by sexual experiences, thoughts, desires and behavior. It involves feeling "inherently flawed and abnormal as a sexual being." That's different from guilt, which is about a specific act.

The review pulled together empirical studies that measured sexual shame directly. Its main findings, with the authors' own caveats:

So the honest summary is that shame is real and linked to wellbeing, but the science on how it works is young.

Where it comes from

Shame doesn't appear from nowhere. Common sources, drawn from what clinicians and researchers describe:

Body image and porn expectations

Many men carry a private checklist about their bodies. It's rarely discussed because it's embarrassing, which is part of how it keeps its grip. Body dissatisfaction isn't a men-only or women-only problem, and it doesn't make you less deserving of closeness.

Porn is a charged subject, and it's worth being exact about what's known. A 2026 systematic review (Zacharopoulos and colleagues) looked at 11 studies published between 2013 and 2023 on porn use and male sexual dysfunction. It found mixed results: some studies linked porn use to sexual problems, others found no link, and a few suggested benefits. Frequency of use didn't predict problems as much as problematic use did. The authors concluded that simply watching porn didn't look like a significant risk factor, and that problematic use, body dissatisfaction and insecurities played a significant role in the more complex, indirect picture.

Eleven studies is a small base, and the authors describe the link as complex and indirect. What you can fairly say is that the evidence doesn't support a simple "porn ruins sex" or "porn is harmless" line, and that problematic use, meaning use that feels out of control or gets in the way of your life, mattered more than how often people watched. A practical question is whether your expectations of sex, of bodies or of a partner's responses come from real people or from something staged. Real encounters involve talking, laughing, pausing and awkwardness, and that's normal.

Building confidence that holds up

Confidence in this area comes less from performing and more from practicing a few habits.

Talk about it somewhere low-stakes. Shame thrives when it's secret. A trusted friend, a doctor, or a therapist are all fine places to say it out loud once. The sentence "I've always felt weird about this" often loses force when spoken.

Separate shame from facts. Write down the belief ("I'm bad at this") and then the evidence for and against. A therapist can help structure this, but you can try it alone.

Take care of general health. Sleep, movement and less heavy drinking support mood and energy. Fitness and confidence covers the connection. The NHS links occasional erection problems to stress, tiredness or too much alcohol, and calls them nothing to worry about.

Practice communication. Talking about sex with a partner covers timing and wording. Saying what you like, asking what your partner likes, and saying "slow down" or "stop" are skills, and they get easier. Boundaries in a relationship is a good place to start.

Build confidence outside the bedroom too. Building real confidence covers habits that carry across your life.

Therapy options

The NHS describes psychosexual counseling as help for you, and a partner if you have one, with sex-related problems. A therapist explores relationship issues and teaches techniques. If shame is tied to a past experience, a trauma-informed therapist is a better fit. Your GP can refer you, or you can search for a licensed therapist directly. Therapy for guys explains what a first session looks like and how to pick someone.

You don't need a diagnosis to go. Feeling that sex or your body is a source of dread is reason enough. Because sexual function can have medical causes, a GP visit is a good first step if you notice physical changes.

What to do next

  1. Name the specific belief you're ashamed of, in one sentence, on paper.
  2. List two places the belief came from (a person, a message, an event). You don't need to solve them, only see them.
  3. Tell one safe person this week, or book a GP or therapist appointment. Say it once, plainly.
  4. For two weeks, notice when you compare yourself to porn or to other men's stories, and ask whether that comparison is real.
  5. Practice one communication line you could use with a partner, such as "Can we slow down?" or "What do you like?"
  6. If an unwanted experience is part of this, call RAINN at 800-656-4673 or see a therapist who works with trauma.

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