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Mismatched sex drives in a relationship: what helps

6 min read

When one of you wants sex more often than the other, it can feel like a verdict on the relationship. The research doesn't read it that way. In a 2020 study of people in long-term relationships, the authors wrote that "sexual desire discrepancy is an inevitable experience." A gap between partners is normal. What couples do about it is what the studies track.

This post covers what researchers found, ideas couples report using, health factors worth checking, and when to bring in a professional. It's general information, not medical or therapy advice, and nobody owes anyone sex, whatever the gap looks like.

How common is it, and who has the higher drive?

Psychology Today, summarizing a study by Kim, Muise, Barranti, Mark and colleagues, describes desire discrepancies as "one of the more common issues" that lead couples to seek therapy. That study combined three samples totaling 366 mixed-sex couples in Canada and the United States. In it, the man reported higher desire in 229 couples, the woman in 115, and 22 couples reported equal desire.

That's an average across a research sample, and it tells you nothing about your own relationship. In about a third of them it ran the other way. If you're the partner with the lower drive, that's not a failing, and if you're the one with the higher drive, you're not a problem either. Both are normal positions to be in.

Matching matters less than you'd expect

You might assume matched couples are happier. The Kim et al. study, as reported by Psychology Today, found they weren't: couples with matched desire weren't more satisfied than mismatched couples. Instead, the couple's overall level of sexual desire was linked to both sexual and relationship satisfaction. Larger gaps were still linked to lower satisfaction. The authors' point is that overall desire in the relationship carried more weight than whether the two numbers lined up.

The study is correlational, so it can't say what causes what. It describes couples in North America. Still, it suggests the goal shouldn't be "get to the same number." It might be closer to "both of us feel good about how intimacy works here."

What couples report trying

A 2020 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior by Laura Vowels and Kristen Mark asked 229 people in long-term relationships (average relationship length about 8 years, average age about 35) what they did during desire gaps and how it worked. The sample was 73 men, 145 women and 11 genderqueer or genderfluid participants, recruited through social media and local channels in a US city. Most were White, college-educated and non-religious.

They sorted 17 strategies into five groups:

Doing nothing was linked to lower sexual satisfaction than most active strategies, and to lower relationship satisfaction than communicating or doing an activity together. Partnered strategies were linked to higher satisfaction than solitary ones (an exploratory finding), and people who found their strategies very helpful reported higher satisfaction than those who found them only somewhat or not at all helpful. The authors list limits: the data were cross-sectional (one point in time), only one partner per couple was surveyed, and the sample wasn't diverse.

On "having sex anyway": it's one of the strategies people reported, not a recommendation. It only makes sense when the person with the lower desire is genuinely willing and it's their own choice. If it's happening out of guilt or to keep the peace, it's pressure, and it tends to make the underlying problem worse. A no stays a no.

What helps in practice

These are common approaches, not rules.

Talk when you're not about to have sex. Raising it right after a rejection sounds like a complaint. A neutral moment, like a walk, works better. Try: "I've noticed we're not on the same page about how often. Can we talk about it without it being a fight?" Fighting fair has more on keeping those conversations steady.

Describe, don't diagnose. "I miss feeling close to you" invites a conversation. "You never want me" starts an argument. The same goes for the other direction: "I feel pressured when it feels like a countdown" tells your partner something real.

Widen what counts as intimacy. The Vowels and Mark categories include non-sexual closeness. Couples who only have two options, sex or nothing, tend to feel every no as a loss. Cuddling, a long talk or a shared routine can keep the connection going without putting anyone on the spot. Keeping romance alive has ideas.

Agree on how to say no. A kind, clear no ("not tonight, but I'd like to this weekend") is easier to hear than silence or excuses. Agree that a no won't be punished with sulking, and a yes isn't a debt. The same goes for making a plan together: "let's set aside Saturday evening" works for some people and feels like a chore to others, so both voices count.

Look at what's behind the drop. Desire changes with stress, sleep, mood, a new baby, grief, a move, resentment or distance. Name what changed before assuming the relationship is the problem. Boundaries in a relationship helps with saying what you need and what you can't give.

Health factors worth checking

The NHS lists common causes of low sex drive: "stress, anxiety or depression," relationship problems, "drinking too much alcohol," sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction, long-term conditions like "heart disease", "diabetes" or "an underactive thyroid," and certain medicines, "such as medicine for high blood pressure or antidepressants." Hormonal contraception is also listed. Its advice: "Treating the cause should help increase your sex drive." It says to see a GP if you're worried or think a medicine is the reason (NHS, last reviewed 26 May 2026).

Don't stop a medicine on your own. Tell the prescriber. And if the person with lower desire says it's changed recently, a doctor's visit is a reasonable first step, not a way of saying something's wrong with them. For men, libido and testosterone covers what testing involves, and talking about sex with a partner has ideas for the conversation itself.

When a sex therapist helps

Consider a therapist if you've talked and keep hitting the same wall, if one of you feels hurt or rejected most of the time, or if a health or past experience seems to sit under it. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) runs a referral directory, which lists AASECT Certified Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Therapy for guys covers what a first session is like.

If you ever feel unsafe or pressured, that's a different situation, and in the US the RAINN hotline at 800-656-4673 is there.

What to do next

  1. Pick a calm, non-bedroom moment this week and say one honest sentence about how you each feel about intimacy.
  2. Ask, "What would make you feel closer to me, with or without sex?" and listen to the whole answer before replying.
  3. Agree on a kind way to say no, and agree what happens after one (no sulking, no keeping score).
  4. Add one non-sexual way to connect that you both choose, such as a standing walk or a Sunday breakfast.
  5. If either of you has noticed a change that's lasted a few weeks, book a doctor visit and bring up stress, sleep, mood and medicines.
  6. After two or three honest conversations without change, look at the AASECT directory or ask your doctor for a referral.

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