How to make friends as an introvert

The way to make friends as an introvert is to build around how you work, not against it: pick quiet shared activities, meet one person at a time, and plan your energy like you'd plan any other limit. Introversion is a style (a preference for quieter settings and time alone to recharge), not a flaw, and plenty of friendships start in small, low-key settings. You don't need to become the loudest person in the room.

What the research says (and doesn't)

Researchers haven't settled whether introverts get the same lift from socializing as extraverts do, so it's worth looking at what each study actually tested.

• Talking to strangers. Epley and Schroeder (2014, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General) ran nine studies on trains, buses, taxis and in a waiting room. People told to start a conversation with a stranger reported a more positive experience than people who sat in silence, though people who only predicted the outcome expected the reverse. The British Psychological Society's summary says the enjoyment was found for both introverts and extraverts. The studies covered single conversations, not repeated contact, and the results may be specific to urban US settings. This section relies on that summary, not the paper.
• Acting more outgoing. Zelenski, Santoro and Whelan (2012, Emotion) had people do group tasks while asked to act extraverted, introverted or as usual. Nearly everyone, including introverts, enjoyed acting extraverted. Longer trials point in different directions. The British Psychological Society Research Digest reports one week-long trial in which people high in introversion didn't get the same benefits and reported more fatigue and negative emotion. It also reports a two-week study by Margolis and Lyubomirsky (131 participants) in which a week of acting extraverted raised positive emotions above each person's baseline and a week of acting introverted lowered them below it. That digest concludes it's "too soon" to recommend that everyone act more extraverted.
• Friendship takes hours. Jeffrey Hall's 2018 studies at the University of Kansas (355 adults who had recently moved, plus 112 freshmen) put the path from casual friend to friend at roughly 80 to 100 hours together, and more than 200 hours for a close friend. These are the estimates from the studies' participants. Time spent socializing counted, and time spent working together counted much less. These were self-reports in small samples.

The takeaway: a conversation may go better than you predict, but the evidence on whether introverts gain from acting outgoing for long stretches is mixed. You can test what works for you.

Make the setting do some of the work

Advice, not research: these tend to suit people who prefer quieter settings.

• Activities with a built-in focus. A book club, a climbing gym, a board game night, a class, a volunteering shift. The activity fills the silence, and you can talk to the person next to you without it being "a conversation" in the abstract. See meeting people through hobbies.
• Small groups over big ones. A group of 6 to 12 that meets weekly is easier to get to know than an event of 200.
• The same place, repeatedly. You don't have to be quick when you'll see the same people again next week.
• Early arrival. Many people find the first ten minutes easier when the room is nearly empty.

One-on-one beats the party

Parties and loud bars reward fast talkers. One-on-one plans reward the things introverts are often good at: listening, asking a follow-up, remembering details.

After you've met someone a few times, suggest something small:

• "Want to grab a coffee before the next session?"
• "I'm going to the climbing wall Saturday morning. Come with?"
• "There's a quiet ramen place near here. Want to try it after?"

A walk, a coffee or a game is easier than "come to my party." The wording in how to invite someone to hang out as a friend fits here. If you feel awkward reaching out, a 2022 set of studies by Liu, Rim, Min and Min (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, more than 5,900 participants in total, as described by PsyPost) found that people underestimate how much others appreciate being contacted. The reach-outs were limited to people with a history of positive interactions.

Plan your energy

Social energy is a real constraint for many introverts, so treat it like a budget.

1. Schedule recovery. Don't stack three social things in a day if you know you'll be flat after one.
2. Set a time limit before you arrive: "I'll stay for an hour." Leaving on time is easier than leaving when you're drained.
3. Keep one anchor commitment per week that you won't cancel, and add extras only when you have room.
4. Sleep. Low energy makes everything harder. Sleep and social energy covers it.

Quiet isn't the same as anxious

Introversion and social anxiety can look similar from the outside, but they aren't the same thing. The NIMH describes social anxiety disorder as anxiety or fear in situations where you may be scrutinized, evaluated or judged by others, which must last at least 6 months and interfere with daily life, such as work, school or relationships. If fear and avoidance are shaping your life more than preference, talk to a primary care provider, who can refer you to a qualified mental health professional. The NIMH calls cognitive behavioral therapy the "gold standard" psychotherapy for it. Social anxiety or shyness goes through the difference. This isn't medical advice.

What to do next

1. Choose one quiet, recurring activity with the same group each week, and put the first session in your calendar.
2. Arrive ten minutes early for the first three sessions.
3. Ask one follow-up question per session about something someone mentioned last time.
4. After session three or four, invite one person to a coffee or a short walk, with a time and place.
5. Set an end time for every social plan, and keep one evening a week free.
6. Keep going for six weeks before you decide if the activity works for you.

More on the basics is in how to be more social and how to make friends as an adult guy.

Sources

• British Psychological Society Research Digest: We're happier when we chat with strangers, yet our instinct is to ignore them (summary of Epley and Schroeder, 2014; opened and read)
• Carleton University Happiness Lab: Should introverts act more extraverted? (Zelenski, Santoro and Whelan, 2012; sample size not given on the page)
• British Psychological Society Research Digest: Further evidence acting extravert can boost wellbeing (digest of the Margolis and Lyubomirsky study; opened and read)
• University of Kansas: Study reveals number of hours it takes to make a friend (Hall, 2018; release only)
• University of Kansas School of Business: People underestimate the surprising impact of reaching out (Liu, Rim, Min and Min; release only, which says 2022 and nearly 6,000 participants in 13 experiments)
• PsyPost: study identifies a robust tendency to underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to (August 2022; a news summary, not the paper)
• NIMH: Social anxiety disorder, more than just shyness