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Insecure about your looks: what helps

6 min read

Feeling insecure about your looks is common, and a few things help: sorting what you can change from what you can't, cutting back on comparison, and putting 30 days into sleep, movement, posture and grooming. If the worry takes up hours of your day, or you check, hide or fix a "flaw" that others don't see, that's worth bringing to a doctor or therapist. That's a different problem from ordinary insecurity, and the NHS says it can get better with treatment.

Start by sorting

Write two lists, on paper.

Fixed (at least for now): height, bone structure, face shape, ear shape, eye colour, natural hair colour.

Changeable: haircut, hair care, skin routine, how you dress and what fits, sleep, how strong or fit you are, posture, how you carry yourself, how you talk and smile.

The fixed list isn't a list of faults. It's a list of things to stop spending energy on. Most of your time and worry should go to the second list, because that's where effort changes anything. For more on that split, see how to be more attractive and what "mogged" means and why comparisons mislead.

Comparison

Comparison is usually where the damage comes from. You compare your everyday face to someone's best photo, taken in good light, at a flattering angle, often edited. The comparison isn't fair, and people don't meet you in a side-by-side line-up. They meet you in a conversation, where your voice, attention and ease count too.

Some practical limits that people find useful:

This is advice, not a research finding. Research on comparison and body image is mixed and mostly on other groups, so no number is cited here.

A 30-day plan

You aren't trying to become a different person. You're trying to give yourself fewer things to feel bad about, and a few things to feel good about.

Sleep

In a 2010 experiment in the BMJ, Axelsson and colleagues in Sweden photographed 23 adults aged 18 to 31 after a normal night and after 31 hours awake. 65 untrained observers rated the photos. The sleep-deprived faces were rated as less healthy (63 versus 68 on a 100-point scale), more tired (53 versus 44) and less attractive (38 versus 40). The differences were small, the sample was small, and it was photos, not real meetings. But the direction is useful. A steady bedtime and wake time is the usual starting advice. Sleep and social energy goes through it in more detail.

Move

A 2009 meta-analysis by Campbell and Hausenblas in the Journal of Health Psychology looked at 57 exercise studies up to June 2008. The abstract reports a small effect: exercise groups had improved body image compared with control groups. According to the University of Florida release, people improved whether or not they reached fitness goals, and meeting the standard exercise guidelines made no extra difference. The release also said the benefit was slightly larger for women than for men. Treat the effect as modest. Still, three sessions a week of something you can actually keep doing is a low-risk start. If you have a health condition or you're returning after a long break, check with a doctor first.

Posture

Stand with your head over your shoulders and your weight even on both feet. Check it twice a day at a doorway or mirror, and again when you notice you're slumped at your desk. It's free, and you'll look more at ease.

Grooming

Get a haircut that suits your hair type and face (a good barber will suggest one), keep your nails clean, and wear clothes that fit. Wash your face, use sunscreen, and see a dermatologist for acne or skin problems that bother you. The grooming checklist has the basics, and a 30-day glow-up plan lays out a longer version.

Do one thing a day that isn't about looks

Practise a skill, call a friend, finish a task. Your sense of yourself comes from more than what the mirror says.

Signs it may be more than insecurity

The NHS describes body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) as a mental health condition in which you worry a lot about flaws in your appearance that are often unnoticeable to others. It says that having BDD doesn't mean you're vain or self-obsessed. Signs listed by the NHS include:

The International OCD Foundation says BDD currently affects 1.7% to 2.9% of the general population, based on five nationwide population-based prevalence studies. It says BDD is more common in women than in men in general population studies (approximately 60% women versus 40% men), but more common in men than in women in cosmetic surgery and dermatology settings.

The NHS says to see a GP if you think you might have BDD, and that you can refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapies service. It says symptoms probably will not go away without treatment and may get worse, and that they can get better with treatment: a talking therapy for mild symptoms, and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or an antidepressant medicine for moderate ones, with CBT plus an SSRI for more severe symptoms. It also says BDD can lead to depression, self-harm and even thoughts of suicide. In the US, you can call or text 988 at any time to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If you're in danger right now, call your local emergency number.

This isn't medical advice, and an article can't tell you whether you have BDD. A doctor can. The piece on therapy for guys covers what a first visit looks like.

What to do next

  1. Write your two lists (fixed and changeable). Cross out the fixed list's items as "not spending time on this."
  2. Mute or unfollow three accounts that make you feel worse about your looks.
  3. Set a sleep window: the same bedtime and wake time for 30 days, within an hour either way.
  4. Schedule three movement sessions a week and put them in your calendar.
  5. Book a haircut, and clear out clothes that don't fit.
  6. Do the doorway posture check twice a day.
  7. At day 30, write down what changed and how many hours a day you spent thinking about your looks. If it's still hours, talk to a professional.

Sources