Run Game Conversation

What to get someone you've just started dating

6 min read

Early in dating, a small, personal gift or just a card is usually enough. Think of something you can attach to a real detail you've learned about them: a book they mentioned, their favorite snack, a ticket to something you'll do together. Spend an amount you'd be comfortable with if they gave you the same thing back, and skip the gift entirely if the occasion is a few weeks away and you've only been out twice.

There's no rule that settles this. Some people see a birthday gift as a basic courtesy even in week three. Others feel put on the spot by a big present from someone they barely know, and would rather get a card and a good evening. You're guessing at a preference you can't see yet, so the aim is a gesture that works under either view.

Do you need to give a gift at all?

A rough way to decide, as advice and not a rule:

One more option is to ask. "Do you do gifts for birthdays, or would you rather skip it?" is a normal question once you're a month in, and it settles the matter in ten seconds. If you'd rather keep the surprise, a lighter version is "Anything you've been wanting lately?" and then actually listen to the answer.

How much to spend

The usual rule of thumb is to stay modest and roughly matched to how long you've been together. Early on, something in the range of a nice coffee and a pastry up to a small book or a plant is on the low end. Jewelry, electronics and anything that looks like a statement is at the top end and tends to raise the stakes before there's a stake to raise.

Two practical reasons to stay small. A big gift can make the other person feel they owe something back. And if the relationship doesn't last, a small gift is easy to be glad about afterward. If you're on a tight budget, none of this is a problem: dating on a budget covers how to show effort without spending much, and a handwritten card with one specific line costs almost nothing.

Experiences or objects?

Two pieces of research are relevant, with limits.

Cindy Chan (University of Toronto) and Cassie Mogilner (UCLA) ran four studies, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, and found that recipients said experiential gifts, such as a concert ticket or a dinner, strengthened their relationship with the giver more than material gifts did. The authors attribute it to the stronger emotion that experiences produce when they're used. In one of the studies, emotionally meaningful objects, such as a personalized engraved item or a framed photo, also helped. The university summary doesn't give sample sizes, and the studies weren't specifically about new couples, so treat it as a hint and not a law.

Jeff Galak, Julian Givi and Elanor Williams reviewed earlier studies on gift errors (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2016). Their main idea is that givers focus on the moment of opening, while recipients care about how useful the gift is afterward. Givers can overrate the fun or surprise and underrate practical, wanted items. It's a review of existing work, not a new experiment, and the source here is a press summary of it.

Put together, the pattern is mild: an experience you'll share, or an object tied to something the person has told you, tends to beat a generic "nice" item. But if a dinner out is more than the moment calls for, a small object does the job.

Ideas that fit a first month or two

What to avoid

These carry more weight than an early relationship can hold:

The card matters more than you think

A short, specific note often does more than the object. "I'm glad you told me about your sister's wedding, I've been thinking about it" is a few seconds of writing and shows you were listening. Skip "you're amazing" and similar lines, which could be sent to anyone. If you're not sure what to write, name one thing you did together and one thing about them you noticed.

If they give you something first

Say thanks, mean it, and don't scramble to match it. A thank-you text the next day is enough. If their gift was bigger than yours would have been, you don't have to even it up. You can take them out the next time, which keeps things balanced without making it a transaction. And if you've forgotten an occasion they remembered, say so plainly, then make a plan for the following week.

What to do next

  1. Check the date of the next birthday or holiday and count how many times you've been out. Under four dates: a card and a plan. Past a month: a small gift is normal.
  2. Think back over your last two conversations and write down three details they mentioned: a food, a hobby, something they wished they had.
  3. Set a ceiling before you shop, roughly the price of a nice dinner for one or less, and stick to it.
  4. If you're unsure, ask: "Are you a gifts person for birthdays, or would you rather do something together?"
  5. Write the card first. If you can't think of a specific line, you may not have the right gift yet.
  6. Wrap or hand it over without a speech. "I saw this and thought of you" is enough.

If you want a record of how dates are going before the first big occasion, Run Game sessions have a notes field, and Stats has an outcome funnel (got number, texted, date set, went on a date, dating). It's one place to keep a record, not a requirement. The first month of dating post covers what's normal at this stage.

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