Best books on social skills: what each one teaches
There is no single best book on social skills, because the books cover different things. Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936) is about how you treat people, Susan Cain's Quiet (2012) is about temperament, Olivia Fox Cabane's The Charisma Myth (2012) is about presence and warmth, Vanessa Van Edwards's Captivate (2017) is about research-based habits, Chris MacLeod's The Social Skills Guidebook (2016) is about shyness and conversation, and Kio Stark's When Strangers Meet (2016) is about talking to people you don't know. This post says what each one covers and who it tends to suit. It doesn't rank them or judge how well they work.
How to Win Friends and Influence People (Dale Carnegie, 1936)
What it is. Published by Simon & Schuster in 1936, it grew out of Carnegie's business and public-speaking courses. According to Wikipedia it has sold over 30 million copies worldwide. A 1981 revision cut it from six sections to four, and the publisher says a 2022 edition restores material from the 1936 text.
What it covers. Wikipedia lists six sections in the 1936 edition: fundamental techniques in handling people, six ways to make people like you (becoming interested in other people, smiling, remembering names, listening, talking in terms of the other person's interests, and making the other person feel important), twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking, a leadership section, and sections on letters and home life.
Reception. Wikipedia reports that the New York Times reviewed it in 1937 as offering insightful but simple advice, that Sinclair Lewis criticized its method, and that later scholarly reviews called it insincere and manipulative. Those are the reviewers' views, not this post's. It also reports that a 2013 Library of Congress survey ranked it seventh among the most influential books in American history. For more on this and other older titles, see classic books on attraction.
Who it suits. Readers who want a short list of habits for everyday dealings, from friendships to work.
Quiet (Susan Cain, 2012)
What it is. Published by Crown on January 24, 2012, Quiet argues that Western culture favors outgoing people. About four million copies had sold by 2022, according to Wikipedia.
What it covers. It defines introversion as a preference for quieter, less stimulating settings and separates it from shyness. It also discusses workplaces, schools and couples. The longer write-up is in Susan Cain and Quiet.
Who it suits. People who feel drained by social events and want a way to describe it. It isn't a conversation manual.
The Charisma Myth (Olivia Fox Cabane, 2012)
What it is. The Portfolio/Penguin book, subtitled How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. The ebook came out in March 2012 and the paperback in March 2013.
What it covers. According to the publisher, it argues that charisma is a set of learnable behaviors, not an innate trait, and that the practices fit your existing personality. Wikipedia describes its model as three elements: presence, power and warmth. The publisher says the techniques were originally developed for Harvard and MIT.
Who it suits. Readers who want a framework for how they come across in rooms, meetings and first conversations, and who like a coaching style.
Captivate (Vanessa Van Edwards, 2017)
What it is. A Portfolio/Penguin book published April 25, 2017, with a paperback on June 19, 2018. The publisher says it has been translated into more than eighteen languages. The publisher's author note says Van Edwards conducts her research at her company, Science of People.
What it covers. The publisher's description lists working a room, reading facial expressions and making conversation more engaging, and describes the approach as drawn from behavioral research. Those are the publisher's claims; this post didn't check the underlying studies.
Who it suits. Readers who like a checklist style and examples built on studies, with the caveat that popular summaries of research vary in how closely they follow the originals.
The Social Skills Guidebook (Chris MacLeod, 2016)
What it is. A book by Chris MacLeod, a counselor with an MSW, according to his site, who writes the free site Succeed Socially. Open Library lists 2016 and MacLeod himself as publisher. It grew out of that site's writing. Its subtitle is Manage Shyness, Improve Your Conversations, and Make Friends, Without Giving Up Who You Are.
What it covers. The site covers shyness and social anxiety, conversation, making friends and social presence, and the book is built from that material. The author's own page doesn't list the book's chapters, so see its table of contents before buying.
Who it suits. Adults who describe themselves as shy or awkward and want step-by-step material on friendships as well as conversation. For a short orientation first, try social anxiety or shyness.
When Strangers Meet (Kio Stark, 2016)
What it is. A short TED Books title (128 pages in hardcover) from Simon & Schuster, published September 13, 2016.
What it covers. The publisher says it argues that talking with strangers can enrich your life, explores the unwritten rules of these brief encounters and offers guidance on starting conversations. How to start a conversation with a stranger covers the practical side in this blog's own words.
Who it suits. Readers who want a quick, essay-length push to talk to people more often, not a full skills system.
A quick comparison
| Book | Year | Main focus |
|---|---|---|
| How to Win Friends and Influence People | 1936 | Habits for dealing with people |
| Quiet | 2012 | Introversion and temperament |
| The Charisma Myth | 2012 | Presence, power, warmth |
| Captivate | 2017 | Research-based social habits |
| The Social Skills Guidebook | 2016 | Shyness, conversation, friendship |
| When Strangers Meet | 2016 | Talking to strangers |
How to choose
- Pick by your problem. If nerves are the barrier, start with The Social Skills Guidebook or Quiet. If conversations start but fade, Captivate or Carnegie are closer. If starting is the issue, When Strangers Meet is short.
- Read one, then practice. A book gives ideas. Habits come from repeating them in real conversations. Reading several books before trying anything is a common way to put it off.
- Treat research claims as claims. Popular books summarize studies selectively. If a claim matters to you, look up the study.
- Match the style. Carnegie's examples come from the 1930s. If that feels dated, look at the more recent titles.
- Try the library. Most of these are widely held, so you can sample before buying.
For video instead of books, Charisma on Command covers one popular channel.
What to do next
- Choose one book from the list based on your main problem.
- Read one chapter, then write one thing you'll try that day.
- Run the experiment in three real conversations this week: for example, ask one follow-up question or remember and use someone's name.
- Write one line after each about what happened. Run Game lets you keep a note on every approach if you're approaching strangers.
- After two weeks, decide whether to keep going with that book or switch.
Sources
- Wikipedia, "How to Win Friends and Influence People". Publication, structure, sales and reception. The Library of Congress ranking is as Wikipedia reports it; the official source wasn't found.
- Wikipedia, "Quiet". First 100,000 of about 127,000 characters read.
- Penguin Random House, The Charisma Myth. Publisher description and dates.
- Wikipedia, "Olivia Fox Cabane". The presence, power and warmth model.
- Penguin Random House, Captivate. Publisher description and dates. These are the publisher's claims about the book's contents.
- Succeed Socially (Chris MacLeod). The author's site. The page didn't describe the book's contents; the 2016 date and publisher come from Open Library, and the subtitle from retailer listings found by search, not the author's page.
- Simon & Schuster, When Strangers Meet. Publisher description, date and length.